I too lost my Dad November 2006, I made sure his funeral was a celebration of his life not a sad day. I banned black clothing and asked everyone to wear something green, to celebrate he was from Ireland. We played Smile as we went into the ceremony; Irish Eyes are smiling, whilst everyone thought of their own happy time with Dad, and finally Be happy as the coffin was taken away. I had several people say it was a good day; Dad would have been pleased as he loved people to be happy. My advice talk about the people you have lost, share all the good times, but most of all cherish the living, talk to them enjoy them, take pictures of them, record them on video and make voice tapes, all these things will remind you, when they pass of how lucky you where to have known them.
Keep Smiling
Jean
Real life advice from real women
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Topics: life
How to cope with bereavement
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One day at a time! Watch out for anniversaries, the deceased's birthdays etc though, they creep up on you and can be tough to get through. We usually plan to do something as a family on my son's birthday, its as if we are marking the day but keeping busy and distracted too. If you lost someone through illness (maybe cancer) then try using your grief as an energy source and do some fund raising, I found that quite therapeutic. Let your family and friends help too,they're probably not sure how to handle the situation either. Give yourself time - lots of it, there's no right or wrong way to cope, you just have to.
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Write a letter to the person, telling them how you feel. Sounds strange but it does work well as therapy. Put the letter in the back of the photo frame you have of the person
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Allow yourself time to grieve. Seriously. Sounds easy sounds simple, but it's imperative. Give in to whatever it is you are feeling and let go. If you need to sob, find a quiet place and let 'er rip. If you want to laugh, do it! And, don't feel guilty about it, either. Nearly every emotional need you have is justified and warranted. It takes time. How much? Well, that depends. Take the time that you need and don't feel guilty about it.
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How close you were to the deceased will dictate pretty much how you cope. The closer you were the harder it is. It is over 3 yrs since my young son died and I don't feel anywhere near coping with it really. Allow yourself time and accept there is no right or wrong way to act or react. Don't be afraid to tell friends if you're having a bad day/time, let them help. You will be told that everything you feel is normal and you feel like hitting that person but it is true, there are so many emotions you have to go through, so many different stages. BUT one piece of advice - live! Make sure you make the most of your life in honour of your lost loved one, live for them.
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My husband died when we were both in our early 30's and our daughter was only 7. My health visitor came to see us and notice the house was full of fresh flowers and commented how beautiful they were. I smiled and showed appreciation and she noticed that for the briefest moment I looked happy. She suggested that I keep flowers in the house at all times and that at some point of even the most depressing days I would look over and feel even the slightest glimpse of joy and one day the joy would last a little longer. Well 15 years on, and happily remarried, I still keep flowers in the house, as life still throws difficult times, but seeing something beautiful can remind you that there are still some good and precious things in this world.
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A website called www.muchloved.com is run by a charity. You can create an online tribute for the person you have lost and view tributes about other people's losses. A moving and comforting site.
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Be honest, but brief, when people ask you how you are. If you always put a brave face on, people won't be so eager to offer help. Equally, if you give them an hour's commentary on why you are so miserable, they won't come back. Don't be afraid to ask for practical help, especially in the early days, and be specific. Or ask people to take you out and amuse you for the day, so you are forced to interact with the world again, and remind yourself how life goes on, even if you are not yet ready to move on with it.
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A friend of mine has just set up a website - www.lastingpost.com - it is an amazingly useful source of information on how to organise everything and where to go and who to ask when you face coping with the death of someone. It is also about planning for your own...........sounds scary but it helps your loved ones if you leave everything in order.
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In my experience (my much loved dad died 18 months ago) you cope with bereavement by accepting grief as a natural process. I think about my dad every day, but the feeling is less painful. We talk about him all the time - what he did that made us laugh, how rubbish his sense of direction was etc - so there's no sense that he's forgotten or someone we shouldn't talk about for fear of causing upset. My greatest comfort is that we had a brilliant relationship, he knew exactly how much I loved him, and there was absolutely nothing left unsaid. He died knowing he was loved beyond words. In short, if you love someone, you're going to miss everything about them - the sound of their voice especially - but accept this as normal and don't look for quick fixes, just let nature take its course.
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Bereavement is a long process and from my experiance is one that is hugely misunderstood by those around you who are not going through what you are. Because someone has gone does not mean that you should stop loving them at all. Remember them, and hold onto the memories and times you shared with them as happy times, because ultimately that IS what they still are. You may find that you feel worse 6 months later than the initial death of a loved one, but surround yourself with a group of strong, supportive friends who you know you can trust and turn to when you're at your lowest. Finally, what I have learnt the most is that you never get over the death of someone you love, you just learn to accpet it over time and make peace with it. After all, there are only two certainties in life; death and change.
